A snippet from The Onion,

As the body count continues to rise, a shaken nation is struggling to cope in the wake of the mass deaths sweeping the world population. With no concrete figures available at this early stage, experts estimate at least 250,000 U.S. citizens have died in the last month alone, with death tolls across the globe reaching into the millions.

- Paris Hilton is getting out of jail.

- Some 200,000 people have died and 2.4m fled the violence in Darfur since 2003.

And now a few choice bits from the local Alton Telegraph's top stories:

1) An audit of credit card spending by AHS Principal Phil Trapani and two other administrators released earlier this month lists more than 100 dinners paid for with Trapani’s district-issued credit card over two years, with two alcohol purchases totaling more than $110. The audit was $2000, funded by tax-payers; bold mine.


2) A 14-year-old Carrollton boy died Thursday morning from a skull fracture he suffered when he fell out the window of a car driven by his brother, authorities said.

And my personal favorite:

3) In a case of extreme overtime parking, crews from the Wood River Public Works Department recently discovered a bicycle that had been leaning against a tree for so long that the tree had grown completely around it.